the spirit of a boy, or the wisdom of a man

you do what you do 

and you pay for your sins

and there's no such thing as what might have been

that's a waste of time.

if there is one lesson to be learned from my life that i wish someone would have stressed enough, really drilled into my head, is that God always has a plan and a reason for everything. i lack patience, and that defect in my character is what brought me down. i wanted to experiment, i wanted to live, i wanted to enjoy. forever young. thankfully my parents had instilled in me religious values (although i don't agree 100% on how i was raised, so God alone is what saved me), enough to make me keep a few toes still in the church. i'm not sure how i started drifting away, maybe it was the friendships, my want to dabble in 'fun' things, the need for attention, the way i wasn't raised, maybe i thought God wasn't answering quick enough (there's my lack of patience), that youthful spirit that makes you feel invincible and immortal, maybe it was a combination of a little bit of all those. i can't say that when i fell, i fell hard. you see, God has a different way of finding people, each unique to that individual. He found me nonetheless, and thankfully. when this particular situation happened to me, one by one, people started turning their backs toward me. it was obviously figuratively, but their actions allowed me to really imagine that door slamming shut in my face. i had a lot of time alone and i came across (certainly not coincidentally) two books that really changed my perspectives in life: The Great Controversy and A Child's Guidance, along with my situation at the time. unfortunately i didn't completely grow from that experience. life would be too easy if it were impossible to make the same mistakes again...it's like catching a cold. you catch it and become immune to that strain, but there are so many different strains that you never really become immune to it. anyway, i found myself making rash decisions, yet again, and God's loving hand reaching out to pull me up on my feet. He must really love me and want me (as if sending His only Son to die for me wasn't enough - what ungrateful human beings we can be) because He has never let me down and knows exactly how to nudge me so that i continue my walk forward when i start to fall back. i wish that people could understand and see what all He has done for me. only He knows. what unfailing love!